I have depression according to Miriam Websters depression is: b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
I don’t know much more about it than the above definition and how I feel most of the time. I can’t tell you how I got it, when it started, or if I will ever feel normal again. I think a general melancholy and feeling of sinking came over me around the time I began having symptoms of menopause. I think I was about 37, so about 8 yrs ago.
It’s hard to explain what I am feeling most days. This week has been a particularly difficult week for me, I have been very angry and feeling very out of control. I have been unusually mean and really can’t tell you why. I just know that I am hurting the people I love because of it. I don’t mean to and I really don’t even know how to change things right now. I spend a lot of time praying.
I began the HCG diet about 1 month ago, and part of the diet is coming off all medicines, including my antidepressant. They want you to be as organic as possible. I want to lose this weight so desperately that I went off my pills. I did great on the diet! I lost 23 lbs in a month! I transitioned into my Atkins style diet, successfully, and I am continuing to lose weight. But the depression is back…FULL FORCE.
In the midst of my yelling at Tom and the kids the other day Tom told me I needed to pray or read my book or something. He couldn’t stand me anymore. Truth be told, I couldn’t stand me anymore either. But I feel like all I do is pray. But my prayers seem to be floating around the ceiling.
I want to say, “What am I supposed to pray for exactly?”, what I have been praying is for God to make me better. Help me find a smile. Make me a good mom who doesn’t yell or be angry with the boys all the time. Make me the kind of wife Tom deserves. Fix me. I feel so broken.
I know that I am BROKEN and I need Christ. I don’t deny my need for Jesus. I love Him and I am so grateful for His GRACE toward me.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.
And I love Him, I know I have been called according to His purpose. I know He will redeem this time of my life and use it one day for His Glory. But I can’t help but wonder why.
Most days this just plain old feels hard. Every diet in the world tells you that antidepressants will cause weight gain. Do Not Take them! But how do I make it through this time without them? I think I have to just take my chances.
Hmmmm….you are in a tough position girlie. Well they said “organic as possible” maybe its just not possible for you to stop your meds? Or maybe you can try different meds? 23 lbs is AWESOME…..but is it REALLY worth what you are losing along with the weight?
I think being off your meds is unrealistic. That does not sound healthy to me. Aside from praying, have you tried casting out the enemy, out loud? It sounds like you are under attack and you need to tell the enemy, in the name of Jesus to go away!
Thanks Jen, I have decided to go back on my meds for now. I think the risk of slower weight loss will far outweigh the bad affects that I have been having. I OFTEN cast out the demons that are swirling my brains and emotions in the name of Jesus. It helps but there’s so much I still don’t understand about this time in my life, menopause that is…