The cost of Free Will

 

God has been speaking to me about the COST of my Free Will choices…

Gen 1:27-31

“So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, s“Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” 29 And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. tYou shall have them for food. 30 And uto every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. 31 vAnd God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.”

Gen 2:24

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (emphasis mine)

Gen 3

Now uthe serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made.

He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You1 shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, v‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 wBut the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise,2 she took of its fruit xand ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, yand he ate. 7 zThen the eyes of both were opened, aand they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool3 of the day, and the man and his wife bhid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”4 10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, cbecause I was naked, and I hid myself.” 11 He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, d“The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, e“The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

14 The Lord God said to the serpent,

“Because you have done this,

cursed are you above all livestock

and above all beasts of the field;

on your belly you shall go,

and fdust you shall eat

all the days of your life.

15 I will put enmity between you and the woman,

and between your offspring5 and gher offspring;

hhe shall bruise your head,

and you shall bruise his heel.”

16 To the woman he said,

“I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;

iin pain you shall bring forth children.

jYour desire shall be for6 your husband,

and he shall krule over you.”

17 And to Adam he said,

“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife

and have eaten of the tree

lof which I commanded you,

‘You shall not eat of it,’

mcursed is the ground because of you;

nin pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;

18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;

and you shall eat the plants of the field.

19 By the sweat of your face

you shall eat bread,

till you return to the ground,

for out of it you were taken;

ofor you are dust,

and pto dust you shall return.”

20 The man called his wife’s name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.7 21 And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.

22 Then the Lord God said, q“Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand rand take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever—” 23 therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden sto work the ground from which he was taken. 24 He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the tcherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.

 

God has been speaking to me about the cost of my Free Will choices. My choices come at a cost to me and came at a GREAT COST to God. My choices cost Him His SON.

Isaiah 53

Who has believed what he has heard from us?1

And to whom has hthe arm of the Lord been revealed?

2 For he grew up before him like a young plant,

iand like a root out of dry ground;

jhe had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

3 kHe was despised and rejected2 by men;

a man of sorrows,3 and acquainted with4 grief;5

and as one from whom men hide their faces6

he was despised, and lwe esteemed him not.

4 mSurely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

nsmitten by God, and afflicted.

5 oBut he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

pand with his wounds we are healed.

6 qAll we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

rand the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,

syet he opened not his mouth;

tlike a ulamb that is led to the slaughter,

and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,

so he opened not his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;

and as for his generation, vwho considered

that he was cut off out of the land of the living,

stricken for the transgression of my people?

9 And they made his grave with the wicked

wand with a rich man in his death,

although xhe had done no violence,

and there was no deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet yit was the will of the Lord to crush him;

he has put him to grief;7

zwhen his soul makes8 an offering for guilt,

he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;

athe will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see9 and be satisfied;

by his knowledge shall bthe righteous one, my servant,

cmake many to be accounted righteous,

dand he shall bear their iniquities.

12 eTherefore I will divide him a portion with the many,10

fand he shall divide the spoil with the strong,11

because he poured out his soul to death

and was numbered with the transgressors;

gyet he bore the sin of many,

and makes intercession for the transgressors.

 

I know this a lot to read, if you are not a regular bible reader. But this has been pressed into my heart lately. This is why.

 

Many of you who know us, know that we have a hard two years. Tom lost his dad in January of 2011 and I lost my mom in March of 2011. That time period was really hard for us and started a cycle of our free will choices that has led to a high cost for our family.

We’ve spent MUCH of the past two years trying to get back to our Shangri la, the place where we both found Jesus! The place where we were healed from brokenness and strongholds from our past; The place where we met and fell in love, married, adopted our first son, and dreamed of our future, IN FLORIDA.

 

Tom found a “Perfect” job back in late 2011 that would have had us moving to the Tampa area, with a great company and compassionate owner. However, when we finally found a house she told Tom she no longer had a job for him. That’s when we decided to just try to stay in GA and I wrote my last post, “Live, where you are.”

Then we began lots of updating to our home and made some more permanent plans. Lots of work went into the yard and painting, gutters, mulch, new porch… LOTS of money, time and sweat. But worth it.

But the old feelings never went away. We still wanted to live in FL. My dad came back home, after traveling the US for 18 months. And I missed my dad. We were visiting FL A LOT, going to our church there, spending time with family and friends, desiring to be there, instead of living here. So Tom started to seek a job there again. We looked at several business opportunities, to no avail. Then Tom found a job ad in his National reporting magazine and the process began again…

He interviewed with this company that would allow us to live where we wanted to and he would travel some days and work locally others. Also, Tom contacted an old friend, in the business, and she said she needed a new reporter and talked with him about joining her team as well. Everything seemed like it would work. (Did I mention that we never really came together to pray about this?) With two job offers, good ones at that, and a paper budget that looked like it could work, we began a new journey to get back HOME.

So we put our newly renovated home on the market, we bought a home in FL, sold here, and moved over the Thanksgiving break from school. We enrolled the kids in the Christian School at our Church, we painted, put in new -flooring, set up home and started to live in our new home. But everything felt wrong…

The first job went away in the first few weeks. They were literally paying less than he was earning. They had a lot of rules that were not disclosed until he signed a work contract and he left the company quickly. The second job, with our old friend, was good, but what she considered great money was not paying the bills. At the end of three months Tom’s total income was only $900. So we made the decision to go back to Rincon, Ga, the place that God told us to “Live, where you are.”

Remember I told you there was a cost to our free will choices? I am still “calculating” the cost. But here is the gist. There has been a HUGE financial cost between the move, renovations to the house in FL, set up costs in FL, not having sold our home in FL, and the set up costs again here in Ga, we’re feeling the cost in a big way.

The cost to the emotional well being of our entire family has been unexpected and costly. Moving is stressful anyway, but moving twice in 3 months is almost more than a family can bear. We moved back to our old neighborhood so it would be an easier transition for the boys, and so they could be in the same school and classes. That part has been good. But they still miss FL, family, school church… I am working with their teachers and the school counselor to help them through this transition and I know it will all be fine.

The personal cost to my emotional state has been the most unexpected. I’ve spent my whole life moving. We moved for my dad’s jobs several times, and I look back at those times in my life as good. But somehow, my near 48 yr old little girl is struggling this time. Tom suggested that I increase my anti depressant, that has helped. But even though I have great friends here, and a regular Friday morning coffee date, I am still sad. I have gained a lot of weight. I know it is from the stress and depression, and I feel like I have already lost some, just because I run up and down these stirs 50 times a day! I’m prayerful that losing some weight, along with the increased anti depressants, and the impending sunshine, I will be on the mend soon…

The costs keep adding up, and just the other day, I remembered something that was told to Tom by a friend. He said he wanted to go on a mission trip, he knew it was the best thing for his family and he knew God would be PRAISED and EXHAULTED by the whole trip. But… there was a huge financial burden involved and he just didn’t know if they could do it. But God told him it had to cost him. He needed to feel something in order for him to KNOW the cost for his life. It had to cost him so he would understand the cost of Gods love for him, it was the death of His SON.

This journey HAS to cost us something so we will know the cost of our lives. We need to FEEL the cost. God gave His Son for us to live in a world filled with choices. When we choose to live on our own, with out Him, we will have to pay a price. The price will be determined by what God feels we need to pay to understand and to FEEL.

WE do have FREE WILL. We do have the ability to make choices in our life. Tom and I have chosen many good things, some great things, and some bad things. All of them add up. We chose God first. We chose each other second. We have chosen to teach our children, in the best way we know how, to love God and TRUST Him in all things. Sometimes we fail, but God grants us new mercy each day.

The new mercy here is that we get to start over again. We get to choose Him each day. We get to live where He has chosen for our family to live. We get to pay the cost for our free will choices. The cost will be determined by our Loving God, the ONE who has saved us from a pit of muck and mire, and delivered us into Glorious Light in a life everlasting…

Psa 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Live, where you are.

It has been a long time since I was here last.

I have been through a lot this past year and God has walked each step with me, whispering this over me, “Live, where you are.” I am learning what that means. I’m a little slow sometimes, but He is always patient. 🙂

Last year, at Thanksgiving, we were told that my father in law had to have his gallbladder removed and they would do the surgery that Friday. That evening we got a call that they wanted to do some more tests before surgery and to please pray. The following week my in laws asked Tom if he could come to NJ and be at the doctors appointment with them. On December 6 or 7th we received the diagnosis of liver cancer, with about 6 months to live.

We were asked to come to NJ for Christmas, so we changed our plans and went to spend time with Tom’s dad and family. Dad was more sick that any of us knew we spent Christmas day with the family and we ended up spending the rest of our time in a local hotel, so he could rest.On Christmas day  Dad spoke an amazing blessing over each of us and for our future, we took some family photos and two days later he was bedridden. We left to come back home on January 1st. Tom got a call from the Hospice nurse on January 3rd and said it was time. Thomas Joseph Dorsey went home to be with Jesus on January 7th 2012.

We came back home, to Rincon, and went on with life. Then we had a message, from my dad, to call as soon as we get home from Church. My stomach sunk. Daddy told us they were on their way to Hospice House with mom and if I wanted to say goodbye I should come home. We left that evening and were in FL by 10:00. I went straight over to the Hospice House to sit with mom and daddy and to hold my mom’s hand. My brother was there by midnight and my sister and Aunt Kathy got there the next day. We all had a chance to spend time alone with mom saying goodbye. We also had a chance to pray, sing and say goodbye as a family.

Mom was born into heaven at 3:30 am on March 6, 21012.

We spent the rest of the week helping daddy do all the things we had been talking about for years, while mom was sick. I thought I was prepared to do it all, but nothing prepares your heart for dealing with it…But we moved forward as a family and took care of  everything and spent precious time together.

When we got back home to Rincon, everything looked the same here, but everything was wrong in my heart. Tom and I had both lost a parent. Nothing prepares you for that. Life went on all around me, but I was wrung out. My depression became pretty bad and I hid in food. I gained 40 lbs in 7 months… In my depression I had hidden myself in the house again and rarely ventured out. I seemed ok to my friends, but I felt as though I was being swallowed alive by something big and dark.

After we got through March and headed towards summer we missed our family more and more, and we wanted to find a way to go back home to Fl. So we began seeking opportunities. We found 2 different business that looked interesting and promising, and began the process of due diligence. There was also a job offer with a Court Reporting firm in Tampa and we looked into that too.

Every time we opened a new door, it was closed by God. Every time we thought things looked promising and we started to move forward, God stopped us.  Both businesses were a bust for us and so we moved forward with the job in Tampa. Tom kept in contact with the company owner and we were actively looking for a home down there.  At one point we even had a house, that we were ready to close on, but God showed us MANY issues that would not be corrected in the inspection process. SO we backed out of the house and moved forward. .

We finally found a home in that area that we really liked and we were ready to sign all the papers! Tom sent the company owner a short e mail updating her on our progress. We received a reply right away, but it was not what we were expecting. She had to hire two reporters while she was waiting for us, and she had no work for him. We were NOT expecting that. What is going on God?

As if I were not depressed enough, why God are you doing this to us? We just want to go home. We want to be in Fl, with our family and our Church again.  Why won’t you let us go? Why do you want us to stay in Rincon, we don’t want to be there. Why God? And He spoke, gently over me “Live, where you are.” What does that mean? I don’t want to live here, I want to live in FL! He was patiently whispering “Live, where you are.” “LIVE, where you are” I am still pondering what that means.

When we came back from FL in early January we had decided to trust God with His decision. We are going to stay in Rincon and wait on Him. So I joined the YMCA and started taking classes and I joined MyFitnessPal.com to help me with my diet, and for accountability from friends and family. We’ve signed the boys up for spring soccer and stopped telling them “When we move…”. I have continued to pray about what it means.

Last week there was a house in Seffner, FL that was swallowed up by a sinkhole and the man inside is missing, and presumed dead. That house is just a few blocks directly behind the house we were ready to close on. God gave us a small glimpse of why He wouldn’t allow us to move there. I am sad for the family of the man missing, but I am grateful to God for showing us His love and protection for us.

I feel like God is telling me to LIVE, not necessarily meaning in Rincon, just wherever I am at that moment in time. LIVE, breathe, play, pray, grow, be present, be a parent, don’t wait for tomorrow for something to happen. Live in my moment.

I still miss my mom every day. I still struggle with my depression. I still wish we could live in FL again. We don’t have a church here yet and we miss our Church home in FL so much. But we are going to LIVE here, where we are, until God moves us. I’m sure I will still struggle with my weight, my depression and life in general. But I am choosing LIFE.

God promises us, in His word, that He will never leave us or forsake us. He promises us that He has a plan for our future, a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, He says He is dancing over us with JOY! I will try to cling to those promises, knowing that things will be hard. But also knowing that He has told me, “LIVE, where you are”. I choose to try!

When Cookie Cutters Won’t Cut It

When Cookie Cutters Won’t Cut It.

A House Warming Giveaway…For You

A House Warming Giveaway…For You.

 

This is from a very good friend of mine! Check her out! You WILL be BLESSED!

Changes

“Our life does not always turn out the way we planned, but sometimes that because what we planned wasn’t suppose to be our life…..”

 

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. I have been dealing with this depression again and have been isolating myself… It is not something I am proud of, but I do it and don’t know why. The thing I need most at this time is fellowship…

Well, my dad posted the quote above on his facebook page and I thought it would be the perfect way to start this blog, it sums up this past year for me perfectly.

We moved here to Rincon, Ga just 15 months ago. I have made a few good friends here, but that’s the extent of our joy. We have not found a church that we felt welcomed into. We tried, but this is a very small town and we never felt like we fit in. We were disillusioned with the kids school. Tom has been sick since the day we moved in, he is allergic to something here and it has been a problem since the first morning here. All that to say that we have been trying to leave since we got here.

About two or three months ago, out of the blue, Tom got a phone call from a lady he interviewed with Three years ago. We turned her down then because the economy wasn’t good for a move, then we forgot about it. But Tom talked with her and we prayed and decided that this was a good opportunity to get back to Fl, near our families, and we began to get ready to make another move. We’ve put our house on the market, begun packing and made several trips to FL to look at houses! Then a company came for sale in the county we used to live in!

We began thinking that this could be the thing that could get us back to our “home”, back with our family and, most importantly, our church Seven Rivers Presbyterian, the place where we fell in love with each other, and gained a new love for Jesus! So we made an offer and went to Fl for two weeks to do our due diligence. Everything went GREAT! We told our church friends that we were coming HOME! We even went house hunting.  But God showed Tom a small notation in the books that made him ask some different questions, and we found out that we were being scammed. Unh… Our hearts are still broken.  I still don’t understand how someone could do that to another person.

In the mean time Tom talked with a company in Inverness that had offered him a position still doing court reporting, but it would still allow us to be home. While he was in the office talking with the owner, he saw a transcript laying on the desk, and it was from someone who used to work with us, someone we knew long ago. So Tom called her to ask some questions. She told us not to work for him. She said she barely works and if we had a chance to go elsewhere we should go. Another blow. We had even bought a house and were having the inspection done when she told him that. We had to back out of the house and make other plans…

We were going to register our kids in Seven Rivers School, and I had a job interview set up to work at the church. We were coming HOME! But God placed a transcript on top of a pile so Tom would see a name and make a phone call that would keep us from making a huge mistake! We were crushed, again, by someones lies, but so GRATEFUL for God’s providence, and “saving” us yet again.

So we are back to God’s original plan for us and we are moving to Brandon Florida. He has been offered a great job there, we have made an offer on a home and are waiting for the bank to yea or nay us, so we can move forward. We want so badly to be back home in Citrus County, with our family, friends and church family, but God has different plans. He is directing us southward, about an hour and a half away. We get the chance to be close enough to our family to go every weekend, if we want to. And to go to 7 Rivers too!

We will be close enough that we GET to go to our church! We will Get to see our family! We will Get to be with our friends! As I sit here today I can say I get it. I get that God has a plan, He has Always Had a Plan!

I am so thankful for the friends God has provided here in Ga. I would not have ever left these four walls if it weren’t for my best friend here, Lisa. She saw me almost in tears at the McDonalds playground and invited me to coffee. It was the one word I needed to keep me afloat this past year. She and Nora, Angie and Amy, and a few others,will be part of my heart forever.

“Our life does not always turn out the way we planned, but sometimes that because what we planned wasn’t suppose to be our life…..”

Our plan was to be back home, in Citrus County. But God has a plan, that we must trust, for us to live only 1 1/2 hours south, and we will still GET to be home, as often as we want!

We are  coming home! Not the way we thought we would, but the way God had planned all along. We will be in our church, not every time the doors are open, but often enough to be part of the life that is there. We will be home with our family and friends for holidays, birthdays, dance recitals and life… We will live in the place God chose for us, in a home where we will grow and flourish. A home we can, hopefully, raise our boys in. and have family dinners and holidays in. And we will be home.

Would you pray that our house here sells soon? Would you pray that we hear from the bank soon, on the house we offered on in Brandon? Would you pray that we remember God’s provision through all of this and His protection? I love you all, you are my friends, and I cherish your friendship. Thanks so much for reading this and for praying for our family. I love you.

 

How do I walk this walk?

I have depression according to Miriam Websters depression is: b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

I don’t know much more about it than the above definition and how I feel most of the time. I can’t tell you how I got it, when it started, or if I will ever feel normal again. I think a general melancholy and feeling of sinking came over me around the time I began having symptoms of menopause. I think I was about 37, so about 8 yrs ago.

It’s hard to explain what I am feeling most days. This week has been a particularly difficult week for me, I have been very angry and feeling very out of control. I have been unusually mean and really can’t tell you why. I just know that I am hurting the people I love because of it. I don’t mean to and I really don’t even know how to change things right now. I spend a lot of time praying.

I began the HCG diet about 1 month ago, and part of the diet is coming off all medicines, including my antidepressant. They want you to be as organic as possible. I want to lose this weight so desperately that I went off my pills. I did great on the diet! I lost 23 lbs in a month! I transitioned into my Atkins style diet, successfully, and I am continuing to lose weight. But the depression is back…FULL FORCE.

In the midst of my yelling at Tom and the kids the other day Tom told me I needed to pray or read my book or something. He couldn’t stand me anymore. Truth be told, I couldn’t stand me anymore either. But I feel like all I do is pray. But my prayers seem to be floating around the ceiling.

I want to say, “What am I supposed to pray for exactly?”, what I have been praying is for God to make me better. Help me find a smile. Make me a good mom who doesn’t yell or be angry with the boys all the time. Make me the kind of wife Tom deserves. Fix me. I feel so broken.

I know that I am BROKEN and I need Christ. I don’t deny my need for Jesus. I love Him and I am so grateful for His GRACE toward me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.

And I love Him, I know I have been called according to His purpose. I know He will redeem this time of my life and use it one day for His Glory. But I can’t help but wonder why.

Most days this just plain old feels hard. Every diet in the world tells you that antidepressants will cause weight gain. Do Not Take them! But how do I make it through this time without them? I think I have to just take my chances.

 

Rough days

Today was one of those rough days…

Nothing particularly bad happened. I woke up feeling pretty good, even prayed BEFORE I got out of bed. The kids were happy and playful before school. I was feeling better, the sinus infection  medication I’m taking was working! And I was able to go to my last video session on The Patriarchs, ahhh.

When I got home from the study, Tom was on his way to work, and I had lunch. Then I got tired. It was time to go to the bank, Lowes, the Post Office, the printing store and pick up the kids to do homework, discipline (if necessary) cook dinner, do haircuts, get the boys in baths then bed, shower for myself and, if I can manage a whole conversation, without yawning, maybe I could catch up on my day with Tom.

I got to the bank, fine. I got to Lowes, successfully found my item, the the Post office, no problem. On my way to the printers I was at the stop light next to DairyQueen. I found myself having a pity party and telling God why I needed to stop and get a Blizzard. Nobody would see me, right? It would make me feel better. But there was victory! I drove on past.

Then I got to the printers and they couldn’t do the laminating I needed and told me my only option was to go to Savannah. That is NOT an easy task. It take about 30-45 min to get to the shopping district and so, if I need to go to Savannah for ANYTHING, I plan to do everything I can while I am there so I don’t need to go again! So when I left the print shop I felt  overwhelmed. I was feeling tired at lunch and now I was a puddle in the car. Why does this happen? It’s weird.

I got the kids and got them home to find out that Carson had another bad day at school, puddle again. And, since moms aren’t allowed to be sick, I kept myself busy in the kitchen. What I really want to do is cry and take a shower and go to bed.

So leading up to this day things were good. I have been doing the HCG diet and I am on an HCG break now following an Atkins style diet. I have lost 23 lbs in one month. I feel good too! But I must admit I am not really looking forward to the holidays this year. I hat being fat. I hate that I can’t eat the things I want. I really feel like one of the kids when they say to me “why do I have to do that! Why can’t you just let me do what I want to do?!” Why God?

 

 

On to something good. I have a couple of friends that I want to plug here to you. One is my friend Angela, she is a talented photographer and poet, she has an ETSY sight called Angela’s Heartwork, the web address is :http://www.etsy.com/shop/angelasheartwork you WILL find what you’re looking for in the CHRISTmas gift department!

On Facebook she is Angela’s Heartwork

Another group of talented friends sells quilts, purses, Jams N Jellies, and tons of baby items on ETSY and Facebook! Check them out for amazing handmade, INEXPENSIVE, CHRISTmas, or anytime, gifts! http://www.etsy.com/shop/dreamchaserquilts

 

On Facebook they are: The Secret Stash Quilt Shop and Mamas’ Jam N’ Jelly

I appologize

I am sitting at the McDonalds, in Rincon, Ga, allowing my boys to burn some energy. It has been a difficult week for Carosn and running around and screaming, climbing, sliding are good for him today.

 

I need to apologize to you all, my friends, for not keeping up with my blog and for not being entirely truthful with you. Since we moved here in May I have been really struggling. I have been lonely, depressed, bored, and slacking in m y spiritual walk. That I have been truthful with. The problem I have known but been unable to communicate to myself, or you, is that I have been literally drowning all these emotions in food. I have gained almost ALL of my weight back. And I feel miserable.

A month, or so, ago, Tom’s mom made the decision to pay for his sister to go on a Dr. supervised diet program. She began sharing with us some of the things she was experiencing and we started to research the diet. Since then we have decided that it seems like a good diet for me to try. We found lots of information on it and I even found an iPhone app to help me in this new process. So I took my weight and measurements today and plugged them into the app and set my start date for Saturday.

I have been afraid of the scale. I have been afraid to let Tom, or anyone else, into my fears or the embarrassment of  what I have done to myself.   But this app and diet require me to weigh myself daily. Ugh. And I will need to record my daily weight on the app, along with my food intake, in order for the app to be helpful.  So the numbers I posted to my app are horrifying to me and I am so embarrassed. Even now I am afraid and ashamed to post my numbers here for anyone to know what I have done.

Did I tell you I am ashamed?

Definition of SHAME: from Websters Dictionary

1

a : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

 Guilt caused by a shortcoming. That’s how I feel. I feel like this issue is a shortcoming,

Definition of SHORTCOMING

: an imperfection or lack that detracts from the whole; also :the quality or state of being flawed or lacking

I feel imperfect. Lacking, in self control. Flawed.

I have asked so many of you to join me in prayer and encouragement to me, through this blog, and I have not kept up my end of the bargain. I am sorry for that. I need your continued prayer and encouragement. I need, more than ever, My Jesus.

 

My prayer for myself is that I will be able to be truthful, with myself and with you. That I will lean on Jesus for every bit of strength and willpower that I need. And that I will come out on the other side of this journey an stronger person, in my faith and my physical body.

 

My starting weight and measurements will have to remain on my iPhone only. I cannot post them here. Would you pray that I will allow Jesus to change that part of me. Would you pray for me that I will allow Jesus to change me?

 

I will keep you all posted on how this diet is going. Perhaps one day, in the near future I will not feel shame, weak willed and fearful and I will be able to share those numbers with you, and maybe then, I will ask you to pray for all my many successes. Not because of how awesome I am, or how I am doing on this diet program, but because of my successful journey with Jesus!

 

How to Make Fabulous Desserts on a Frugal Budget!

How to Make Fabulous Desserts on a Frugal Budget!.

Ah Sovereign God!

I wrote my Blog yesterday at about 7:30 ish a.m. and left for Bible Study about 9:15, feeling that hollow feeling.

 

When we begin our study each week we take prayer requests, and mine was the same this week as last… Please pray for me to feel more normal and the depression to lift. Then our sweet leader, Miss Barbara Cribbs, prays and shares a poem before we start our lesson. This is printed with her permission, she said “I don’t write them, it’s Gods words!”

 

 An Oasis in the desert

God is our God in the hopelessness, when things aren’t going right.

God is our God in the hopelessness, when friends seem out of sight.

God is the God who knows our pain, who sees our every need.

God is the God who waits for us, on Him to hungrily feed.

God is the one who cries with us through our sadest time of all.

God is the one who waits for us, to reach out to Him and call.

God is not only the God of the past, He Is the God of all our days.

God is our God down to the bone, For He KNOWS all of our ways

So if you feel you are all alone, Look to the God who sees your heart.

Then you will see the living water, God has provided from the start.

Barbara Cribbs 9/15/11

 

Thank you Jesus. Thanks you Jesus. Thank You Jesus