Depression and my need of God

Depression, according to the Websters Dictionary:

: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: asa : a pressing down : loweringb (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendenciesc (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) :a lowering of vitality or functional activity

3

: a depressed place or part : hollow

4

: low 1b

Depression is a funny thing, I don’t mean haha funny, just a strange kind of funny. Kind of like hitting your funny bone, it does not make you laugh but instead it makes you cry.

Some of you know my story. It’s a long one and I don’t particularly feel like sharing the whole thing right now. But I will share parts. I am in need of some healing of my heart, and feel like I just need some extra prayer right now and so, I am pouring my heart toward Jesus out , on this page, and asking you to pray for me.

I have always been a pretty positive, upbeat, relatively happy person. After my divorce, I had a time of healing and learning how to forgive. A time with Jesus that I will share and never forget. I didn’t feel particularly depressed back then, just yearning for more time with Jesus.

My life took so many unexpected turn for the better! I experienced real healing from things I had been carrying for a long time. I met lifelong friends. I met my husband and fell in love in a new way, a way that, I feel, honors God. We married almost three years after we met, we adopted Scotty, moved to Tn, got pregnant with Carson, and the list goes on! But somewhere, during all the excitement and wonderful things God was doing in and for us, I became depressed. I cried A LOT.

I realize, now, that I put myself into a self imposed exile from life. I backed away from friends, social connections, God… And I realized something was wrong. Tom was frustrated, but loving, and suggested that I try to get help. Friends suggested that I get help. I went into more exile. Then, a friend invited me to PepMoms. It was my 2nd moms group. But I felt VERY overwhelmed there. One meeting I showed up and my friend was not there. I had a panic attack. I spent 2 hours in a bathroom stall crying. God told me to get some help.

I made an appointment with my doctor. When I sat down to see him he asked me why I was there. I cried, and I cried some more. He is a VERY kind and sweet doctor from China and I think I scared him! He said, QUICKLY,” I be right back! I get you some pills, they help you and you will feel better!”  And they have helped me to feel better. Not perfect, but better.

Tom and I had some words today. We are both feeling pressed down and hollow. This move has been challenging. We are lonely. Things are feeling more settled and we are finding our way, with church, MOPS, my girls coffee group, a new Sunday School class ( I think it will be a very good fit), the boys school and Cub Scouts. We are drawing closer to Jesus in the time.

Tom was acting very angry this morning and I told him I feel like we are both being pruned by Jesus right now. He shouted at me and said “How do you  know that?” and so I told him, in not the kindest way. I feel like Jesus is using this depression, his job, the loneliness and anything else that is making us feel hurt right now, to bring us closer to Him and to change us from the inside out. And it   HURTS!

Some days I just want to scream! I want to tell God “I just don’t like what is going on here! I’m mad! I’m depressed, I want to feel better! I want to sleep well again! I want to exercise and enjoy it again! I want this weight to come back off! I want to stop crying! I want to be a better mom and wife to my family! And I feel like it will NEVER happen!!!!! When will this pruning end?”

And my answer is found in His WORD, the WORD I am hiding in my heart, the word that wants to explode into this world and change it,  and change me…

Psalm 119:104-106

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁰⁴Through your precepts I get understanding;
therefore^(A) I hate every false way. ^105(B) Your word is a lamp to my feet  and a light to my path.

¹⁰⁶I have^(C) sworn an oath and confirmed it,
to keep your^(D) righteous rules.

And so, I have given my word to God.  and He has given me  His WORD, JESUS! I struggle daily to live using His Word as a light unto my path. I fail again, and again but He loved me so much that He gave His Son to pay my ransom. I am still depressed. Tom and I are still lonely. But there is Light!

Will you pray for us? If you don’t know this light I am talking about, will you be bold enough to ask me? Jesus is using my depression to build me up, not break me down. Although I feel that pressed down  and hollow feeling right now, I am trying to take His Light in my hand and allow Him to shine on my path…

Will you join me?

How to save money while doing laundry!

How to save money while doing laundry!.

Fighting against the evil one

Philippians 4:6-8

English Standard Version (ESV)

^6(A) do not be anxious about anything,^(B) but in everything by prayer and supplication^(C) with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And^(D) the peace of God,^(E) which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Ephesians 6:10-13

 ¹⁰Finally,^(M) be strong in the Lord and in^(N) the strength of his might. ^11(O) Put on^(P) the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against^(Q) the schemes of the devil.¹²For^(R) we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against^(S) the rulers, against the authorities, against^(T) the cosmic powers over^(U) this present darkness, against^(V) the spiritual forces of evil^(W) in the heavenly places. ¹³Therefore^(X) take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in^(Y) the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

 

This is what my day was like yesterday…

 

My alarm went off at 5:50 a.m., “Not yet!  I am so tired!”

Got the boys up and ready for school then out the door to the bus stop by 6:50 a.m.

Home to make Tom’s lunch then finish breakfast, eat with him and get him out the door for work.  {“I think I need to go back to sleep for a while.” ” Maybe I’ll skip the gym and just get some more rest.”}

Make beds, start laundry,  {“God I am SOOOOOOO tired”},  fold clothes, clean kitchen…

 

“O.k., I know this is just the evil one talking to me, Why don’t I just go get dressed and go to the gym anyway, I’ll have more energy if I exercise!” { but I am soooooo tired, I need more rest…}  Then I got myself dressed for the gym.

BAM!!!!!!  I didn’t do my best, but I burned some calories and listened to some sermons and I felt better!

 

Then Tom texted me and said he would be home soon. I’ll meet you at home. I got home and loaded 6 large concrete blocks into my car to return to LOWES, made lunch and ate with Tom. Ran some errands, made the returns and came home for a rest before the kids got off the bus. Made their snack, while they were changing, “MOM! He hurt me!!!!, “”No I didn’t, He’s Lying“”… “But  MOM I HATE Graham Crackers” “Just eat them and be quiet, we have homework to do.” So we did homework and Scotty told me “Mom I had to miss recess today and read my book.” “”Why honey?” “”Because you didn’t do my homework with me and the teacher made me miss recess.”  BAM! And she’s down again!

So I looked over the weekly newsletter and there in the homework section it said ” each day write the spelling words three times, then on Wed it said, ” Write sentences using three of the spelling words.” Now, to my credit, it didn’t say to turn the work in each day, but I totally misunderstood the directions and my son had to pay for my mistake.  BAM! So we re-did his homework and put it in the folder to turn it in.

Time to make supper, eat, converse as a family {I feel like such a looser because I can’t seem to even understand a simple homework assignment for a first grader and he had to pay for my mistake”, “It sounds like you are listening to the wrong person, mom, you seemed to miss the part where Scott just said “”You are my best mom. I’m glad I got to stay in and read today, I had fun!”” ” You are being overtaken by the devil”} BAM, BAM, BAM , clean up, make lunches for tomorrow, read stories, “But Moooooom, He ALWAYS gets to go first!” , get ready for bed, prayer time, wrangle ourselves out the door, check e mail, make popcorn, watch tv, go to bed… BAM!

Did you see it? I had an actual conversation with myself where I knew the devil was trying to win. I knew I needed to do the right thing, I did choose to exercise, that was good. BUT where was the armor? ¹²For^(R) we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against^(S) the rulers, against the authorities, against^(T) the cosmic powers over^(U) this present darkness, against^(V) the spiritual forces of evil^(W) in the heavenly places.

I know this stuff, but I get so tired and spend so much time worrying and being anxious, for nothing, that I forget God. Did I just say that? YES, I forget God. Never once yesterday did I send any real time in prayer. Never once did I open my Bible, because I was tired… Never once did I spend time lifting someone up to the LORD. I put on some exercise clothes so I could make my appearance at the gym and look like I was accomplishing something. But did I really accomplish anything?

I guess something was accomplished in that day. God took the time to whisper to my heart and show me that I forgot Him, I never talked with Him, and He pointed me to some pretty valuable scripture to help me see my need for Him. Thank you Father.

Today, I choose You.

I Need Thee

1. I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
   No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
   • Refrain:
     I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
     Every hour I need Thee;
     Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
     I come to Thee.
2. I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
   Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.
3. I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
   Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
4. I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
   And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
5. I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
   Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.

Oh precious Father, I Need Thee.

I moved a lot when I was growing up. I adjust much easier than the average person. I love the adventure of moving and learning new things, meeting new people is exciting for me/ Moving here has been a good thing for the boys and I, we’re enjoying the challenges!

Moving is HARD work. This past few months has been difficult, to say the least. Moving is a huge stress-er and emotionally draining. Tom was raised in the same house, same neighborhood, same school for his whole life. Moving is REALLY hard for his spirit. Adjusting to a new home, church, neighborhood, driving patterns, job… has been rough.

Being married to Tom has been the biggest blessing of my life, second only to my relationship with Christ. But dealing with the struggles he has been feeling about this move have been new and uncharted territory for me. I want to respond to him with a biblical respect and love. But I am still learning how to do that. My frustration has been that I don’t think the way he thinks, I don’t worry about the things he worries about.

In light of these new emotions and struggles with the move I have “let myself go”. My quiet times have given way to entertaining two boys and trying to keep a normal level of “home” for Tom and the boys. Keeping my emotions in check and my exhaustion has left me weary and longing for fellowship. And  my desire to exercise has left the building…

Please pray for me as I seek Gods face. I need Him now more than ever. As our life changes and starts to become more “normal”, our new normal,  I am desiring to get back into a routine. I desire time with my Lord, time to enjoy His presence, time to worship  Him. I am seeking time for myself where I can exercise without worrying about time. Time to read my Bible again without interruption. Time for fellowship with other moms.

I am planning on joining either MOPS at a local church of possibly a BSF. I know these things will help center me and grow me. I know that when the boys start school I will have the precious time I am looking for. O know that volunteering at school will take time, but that I will also be meeting other moms and, hopefully, making some new friends.

But for now…I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

You’ll be called Hephzibah

My friend Becky asked yesterday how I am doing. My answer was probably not what she expected. I’m not doing that great, but I love Becky and I trust her with my heart. So I told her my struggles. She is such an encouraging friend, did I tell you that I love this girl?

See weight loss and my personal health, and the health of my children’s future, has been in the forefront of my mind lately. I began reading Made To Crave, by Lesa Turkherst. It is wonderful book about finding the disconnect between how we were made to crave God and how we fill that spot, made just for Him, with food and other idols. I see where I am doing just that in so many ways. I am enjoying the book and heart study time that comes from reading this book. More importantly, I am enjoying my time with Jesus, more than ever.

I am finding that this journey, for me, is way more than a journey towards better health and a longer life to enjoy my kids. It is about my spirit. It is about learning just how much Jesus loves me! And about how I can translate that knowledge from my head to my heart.

The closer I am becoming to Jesus though, the more the evil one is taking jabs at me. That is a big part of my struggle. satan wants me to back off and take the easy route. he would be perfectly happy to keep me fat and lazy, far from God and far from healthy, both physically and spiritually.

Today as I spent quiet time with God he brought me to some new places in Isaiah. I have always loved the Psalms and Isaiah, but I am seeing so much more of Jesus in them and I am seeing more of God’s plan for me too. May I share with you?

These passages are from The Message bible.

^{Isiah 61:10-11}

^10-11I will sing for joy in God,
explode in praise from deep in my soul!
He dressed me up in a suit of salvation,
he outfitted me in a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo
and a bride a jeweled tiara.
For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,
and as a garden cascades with blossoms,
So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom
and puts praise on display before the nations.

Isaiah 62

Look, Your Savior Comes!

^1-5 Regarding Zion, I can’t keep my mouth shut, regarding Jerusalem, I can’t hold my tongue,
Until her righteousness blazes down like the sun
and her salvation flames up like a torch.
Foreign countries will see your righteousness,
and world leaders your glory.
You’ll get a brand-new name
straight from the mouth of God.
You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand,
a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.
No more will anyone call you Rejected,
and your country will no more be called Ruined.
You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight),
and your land Beulah (Married),
Because God delights in you
and your land will be like a wedding celebration.
For as a young man marries his virgin bride,
so your builder marries you,
And as a bridegroom is happy in his bride,
so your God is happy with you.

v:11 Yes! God has broadcast to all the world:
“Tell daughter Zion, ‘Look! Your Savior comes,
Ready to do what he said he’d do,
prepared to complete what he promised.'”

 

I am struggling right now, But Oh what a promise I find in His WORD. As I draw closer to God and He reveals more and more to me I know that my journey toward weight loss will change and be different than what I am experiencing right now. I know that I will be even more in love with Jesus! That He will write Hephzibah on my forehead and I will see myself as the beautiful bride that He sees me as.

I will rest in this today.

Wondrous Promises

While I was enjoying some quiet time this morning, thanks  to a sleeping boy! I asked God, “Why is this weight loss struggle so hard for me? Why do I always seem to fail? Why is it a constant struggle for me? I know you have done miracles in my life! Why can’t I seem to trust this time. Why do I trust you in almost everything else in my life, except this? I don’t understand.

And He spoke clearly to me. He reminded me so perfectly of the miracles He HAS done and the promises He HAS kept. He HAS changed my life already and will continue changing me, if I’ll let Him…

After my divorce, in 2000, I was in a dark place. God reached down and literally grabbed my by the hairs of my neck and lifted me into His arms for a season of healing. About two years into my healing journey I asked Him “Why do you not want me to have children? Why can’t I find a husband again? What’s wrong with me? And He led me to Isa 54. Please read this and think of a time in your life when you questioned God’s love for you and wondered if He would fulfill any of the promises made. If you know my story you KNOW He HAS kept His promises! Back then though I rested in this as a promise for my future, now He is showing me that it is a promise KEPT, a precious promise.

 

My precious answers to prayer.

 

From The Message Bible:

Isaiah 54

Spread Out! Think Big!

^1-6 “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women.” God says so!
“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.
You’ll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
and then left,” says your God.

^7-8Your Redeemer God says:

“I left you, but only for a moment.
Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
but only for a moment.
It’s with lasting love
that I’m tenderly caring for you.

^9-10“This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah
would never again flood the earth.
I’m promising now no more anger,
no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won’t walk away from you,
my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.”
The God who has compassion on you says so.

^11-17“Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
I’m about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
what a mentor for your children!
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
far from terror—it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
who fires up his forge
and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
God’s Decree.

Then today He asked me to read farther. He asked me to read Isa 55 also. I have always stopped and rested in Isa 54, a promise kept, and never moved forward. So today He made another promise in this scripture.

“Listen to me, listen well: Eat only the best,
fill yourself with only the finest.
Pay attention, come close now,
listen carefully to my life-giving, life-nourishing words.
I’m making a lasting covenant commitment with you,
the same that I made with David: sure, solid, enduring love.”And now I’m doing it to you:”

Isaiah 55

Buy Without Money

^1-5 “Hey there! All who are thirsty,
come to the water!
Are you penniless?
Come anyway—buy and eat!
Come, buy your drinks, buy wine and milk.
Buy without money—everything’s free!
Why do you spend your money on junk food,
your hard-earned cash on cotton candy?
Listen to me, listen well: Eat only the best,
fill yourself with only the finest.
Pay attention, come close now,
listen carefully to my life-giving, life-nourishing words.
I’m making a lasting covenant commitment with you,
the same that I made with David: sure, solid, enduring love.
I set him up as a witness to the nations,
made him a prince and leader of the nations,
And now I’m doing it to you:
You’ll summon nations you’ve never heard of,
and nations who’ve never heard of you
will come running to you
Because of me, your God,
because The Holy of Israel has honored you.”

^6-7Seek God while he’s here to be found,
pray to him while he’s close at hand.
Let the wicked abandon their way of life
and the evil their way of thinking.
Let them come back to God, who is merciful,
come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness.

^8-11“I don’t think the way you think.
The way you work isn’t the way I work.”
God’s Decree.
“For as the sky soars high above earth,
so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They’ll do the work I sent them to do,
they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.

^12-13“So you’ll go out in joy,

you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.

The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
bursting with song .
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
no more thornbushes, but stately pines—
Monuments to me, to God,
living and lasting evidence of God.”

He’s making a new PROMISE to me! A promise to a whole and complete life so I’ll go out in JOY!

I don’t really know, yet, where God and I are going in this journey. I know I will be healthier, stronger, in body spirit, I know He will never leave me or forsake me AND I’ll go out in JOY!

Reflections

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; Sometimes I feel so lonely in this world and I cry out to you Lord. I am not really feeling lonely today, just out of sorts.

2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. Thank you that you always hear and you always answer.  I am human. I am needy. I need you, I need you to hear me because some days I wonder if I even have an audible voice. No one seems to hear me, Thank you that you promise that you hear my cries.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? Rom 3:23-24 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. O God thank you that you have provided a way for me, for us all!!

4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. “God’s grace discovered, and pleaded with him, by a penitent sinner: But there is forgiveness with thee.It is our unspeakable comfort, in all our approaches to God, that there is forgiveness with him, for that is what we need. He has put himself into a capacity to pardon sin; he has declared himself gracious and merciful, and ready to forgive, Ex. 34:6, 7. He has promised to forgive the sins of those that do repent. Never any that dealt with him found him implacable, but easy to be entreated, and swift to show mercy. With us there is iniquity, and therefore it is well for us that with him there is forgiveness. There is a propitiation with thee, so some read it. Jesus Christ is the great propitiation, the ransom which God has found; he is ever with him, as advocate for us, and through him we hope to obtain forgiveness. ” ( WOW!) Matthew Henry Commentary on the Whole Bible (Complete)

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. O God, I wait for you, because I know you will come. You have shown me over and over that you come for me. I could tell so many times that I KNOW you were the one holding my head above the waters and keeping me safe. I can tell of the miracles you have performed in my life! I’ve put my hope in you over and over and you have ALWAYS come. Thank You Father!

6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. From The Treasury of David commentary “This is a fine poetical repeat. We long for the favour of the Lord more than weary sentinels long for the morning light which will release them from their tedious watch. Indeed this is true. He that has once rejoiced in communion with God is sore tried by the hidings of his face, and grows faint with strong desire for the Lord’s appearing, I long for your appearing God, I look forward to the day I will see your beautiful face and anoint you with oil, I long to wipe the oil from your feet with my hair.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. From The Treasure of David Commentary “Our comfort lies not in that which is with us, but in that which is with our God.” Miriam Websters Dictionary says “

un·fail·ing

adj \ˌən-ˈfā-liŋ\

Definition of UNFAILING

: not failing or liable to fail:a : constant, unflagging <unfailing courtesy>b : everlasting, inexhaustible <a subject of unfailinginterest>c : infallible, sure <an unfailing test>

Thank You God for your UNFAILING LOVE. I don’t love that way. I am in awe of you. I am so in love with you.

8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins. My redeemer lives. He lives in me!

Wow! I feel like I need a few more days in this psalm. I am loving the time that God is calling me to spend with him.

There was a show on tv when I was a little girl, staring Little Jimmy Osmond. I don’t remember much about the show, but Jimmy was on a talk show singing the theme song one day and I sat there, with my cassette recorder, in front of the tv, and sang along with him. I still remember the words and in my heart I am singing them right now.

“When I feel all alone, and all my world is crumbling down on me. It helps when people know you care, that anytime I call you’re there. Yeah, you’re there.” My God is there for me…..

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

 

I posted on Facebook today that I need some time with my Jesus today. This is where the LORD brought me. I will camp on this Psalm today and post later.

 

I need thee O I need thee. Every hour I need thee. Bless me now my savior, I come to thee.

 

A Message for me

I am hurting today.

Tom and the boys and I are preparing to leave today to spend time with family over the break. Although I am looking forward to the time it is a LONG trip and the drive with two boys is hard. While we are there we will be celebrating Tom’s dad’s 70th birthday and Carson’s 5th! How fun! BUT can you say S T R E S S?

While we were packing our suitcase last night Tom and I had words. You know how it goes, the words were hurtful. He fired and I fired back… Not good for either one of us.

So today, I really needed to hear how Jesus LOVES me! My regular Bible is packed and ready for the long trip so I grabbed my new Message Bible and read God’s word for me today. This is all from Psalms 138, 139 & 141. All emphasis mine.

“God investigate my life: get all the facts firsthand. I am an open book for you: even from a distance, you know what I am thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight. You know everything I am going to say before say the first sentence (ouch). I look behind me and you are there, then up ahead and you are there, too – your reassuring presence, coming and going,. This is too much, too wonderful – I can’t take it all in!”

“You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book you watched me grow from conception to birth: all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”

“Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me: cross examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; see for yourself whether I’ve done any wrong – then guide me on the road to eternal life.”

“God come close, Come quickly! Open your ears – it is my voice you’re hearing! Treat my prayers as sweet incense rising; my raised hands are my evening prayers. Post a guard at my mouth, God, set  a watch at the door of my lips. Don’t let me so much as dream of evil or thoughtlessly fall into bad company.”

“But God, dear LORD, I only have eyes for you. Since I’ve run for dear life to you, take good care of me.”

“Finish what you’ve started in me, God, Your love is eternal – don’t quit on me now.”

The Tennessee girl in me says ” Them is some powerful words there!” God knows everything about me. He knew that Tom and I were going to be stressed and that we would make poor decisions about our words before we spoke the first sentence.

I’m sorry for the words I said. I’m sorry for the fact that I let my hurt feelings be like a sharp knife to my husband. But God knows me in a way that no one else can or ever will. “Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch over the door of my lips” I ask this with thanksgiving today!

Psalm 139:1-3 says “Thank you! Everything in me says “Thank You!” angels listen as I sing my thanks, I kneel in worship facing your holy temple and say it again: “Thank You!” Thank you for your love, thank you for your faithfulness; Most Holy is your name, Most Holy is your word. The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength.”

God’s word is HOLY! God’s word is healing!

Unless the Lord builds this house

Psa 127:1 “Unless the LORD builds this house, it’s builders labor in vain.”

My NIV Life Application Study Bible comments ” Families establish homes and watchmen guard cities but both these activities are futile unless God is with them. A family without God can never experience the spiritual bond God brings to relationships.”

I have been camping out in Psa 40 and Isa 43 for a couple of weeks now and I am learning so much from the Lord there.  A few years ago I did “Stepping Up” Beth Moore’s study in the Psalms of Ascent, and so I had a bookmark at Psa 126. Today I landed on that bookmark ,on my way over to Isaiah, and I read the themes of the psalms, then I  landed on 127.  The theme of this chapter is : “Life without God is senseless. All of life’s work – building a home, establishing a career and raising a family – must have God as a foundation.”

When I read v 1 I was almost in tears immediately. I don’t think I have ever asked God to help me in my weight loss before this past few weeks.

Wow. Psalm 127. Wow.

1 Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. 2 In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat– for he grants sleep to those he loves. 3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. (emphasis mine)

In vain.

Definition of VAIN

1

: having no real value : idle, worthless <vain pretensions>

2

: marked by futility or ineffectualness : unsuccessful, useless<vain efforts to escape>

3

archaic : foolish, silly

My efforts have all been in VAIN, idle, worthless, unsuccessful, useless, foolish and silly. Got it God. Thanks.

Really, I mean Thank You. I have never considered this before. Is that sad? I have considered the Lord in SO many things in my life before, but not in my weight loss journey. My efforts have been in vain. I am praying that I won’t make that mistake again (at least not on purpose, praising God for GRACE!) My commentary also says ” If you leave God out of your life all your accomplishments will be futile. Make God your highest priority, and let Him do the building.

GOT IT!!!!!!