It has been a long time since I was here last.
I have been through a lot this past year and God has walked each step with me, whispering this over me, “Live, where you are.” I am learning what that means. I’m a little slow sometimes, but He is always patient. 🙂
Last year, at Thanksgiving, we were told that my father in law had to have his gallbladder removed and they would do the surgery that Friday. That evening we got a call that they wanted to do some more tests before surgery and to please pray. The following week my in laws asked Tom if he could come to NJ and be at the doctors appointment with them. On December 6 or 7th we received the diagnosis of liver cancer, with about 6 months to live.
We were asked to come to NJ for Christmas, so we changed our plans and went to spend time with Tom’s dad and family. Dad was more sick that any of us knew we spent Christmas day with the family and we ended up spending the rest of our time in a local hotel, so he could rest.On Christmas day Dad spoke an amazing blessing over each of us and for our future, we took some family photos and two days later he was bedridden. We left to come back home on January 1st. Tom got a call from the Hospice nurse on January 3rd and said it was time. Thomas Joseph Dorsey went home to be with Jesus on January 7th 2012.
We came back home, to Rincon, and went on with life. Then we had a message, from my dad, to call as soon as we get home from Church. My stomach sunk. Daddy told us they were on their way to Hospice House with mom and if I wanted to say goodbye I should come home. We left that evening and were in FL by 10:00. I went straight over to the Hospice House to sit with mom and daddy and to hold my mom’s hand. My brother was there by midnight and my sister and Aunt Kathy got there the next day. We all had a chance to spend time alone with mom saying goodbye. We also had a chance to pray, sing and say goodbye as a family.
Mom was born into heaven at 3:30 am on March 6, 21012.
We spent the rest of the week helping daddy do all the things we had been talking about for years, while mom was sick. I thought I was prepared to do it all, but nothing prepares your heart for dealing with it…But we moved forward as a family and took care of everything and spent precious time together.
When we got back home to Rincon, everything looked the same here, but everything was wrong in my heart. Tom and I had both lost a parent. Nothing prepares you for that. Life went on all around me, but I was wrung out. My depression became pretty bad and I hid in food. I gained 40 lbs in 7 months… In my depression I had hidden myself in the house again and rarely ventured out. I seemed ok to my friends, but I felt as though I was being swallowed alive by something big and dark.
After we got through March and headed towards summer we missed our family more and more, and we wanted to find a way to go back home to Fl. So we began seeking opportunities. We found 2 different business that looked interesting and promising, and began the process of due diligence. There was also a job offer with a Court Reporting firm in Tampa and we looked into that too.
Every time we opened a new door, it was closed by God. Every time we thought things looked promising and we started to move forward, God stopped us. Both businesses were a bust for us and so we moved forward with the job in Tampa. Tom kept in contact with the company owner and we were actively looking for a home down there. At one point we even had a house, that we were ready to close on, but God showed us MANY issues that would not be corrected in the inspection process. SO we backed out of the house and moved forward. .
We finally found a home in that area that we really liked and we were ready to sign all the papers! Tom sent the company owner a short e mail updating her on our progress. We received a reply right away, but it was not what we were expecting. She had to hire two reporters while she was waiting for us, and she had no work for him. We were NOT expecting that. What is going on God?
As if I were not depressed enough, why God are you doing this to us? We just want to go home. We want to be in Fl, with our family and our Church again. Why won’t you let us go? Why do you want us to stay in Rincon, we don’t want to be there. Why God? And He spoke, gently over me “Live, where you are.” What does that mean? I don’t want to live here, I want to live in FL! He was patiently whispering “Live, where you are.” “LIVE, where you are” I am still pondering what that means.
When we came back from FL in early January we had decided to trust God with His decision. We are going to stay in Rincon and wait on Him. So I joined the YMCA and started taking classes and I joined MyFitnessPal.com to help me with my diet, and for accountability from friends and family. We’ve signed the boys up for spring soccer and stopped telling them “When we move…”. I have continued to pray about what it means.
Last week there was a house in Seffner, FL that was swallowed up by a sinkhole and the man inside is missing, and presumed dead. That house is just a few blocks directly behind the house we were ready to close on. God gave us a small glimpse of why He wouldn’t allow us to move there. I am sad for the family of the man missing, but I am grateful to God for showing us His love and protection for us.
I feel like God is telling me to LIVE, not necessarily meaning in Rincon, just wherever I am at that moment in time. LIVE, breathe, play, pray, grow, be present, be a parent, don’t wait for tomorrow for something to happen. Live in my moment.
I still miss my mom every day. I still struggle with my depression. I still wish we could live in FL again. We don’t have a church here yet and we miss our Church home in FL so much. But we are going to LIVE here, where we are, until God moves us. I’m sure I will still struggle with my weight, my depression and life in general. But I am choosing LIFE.
God promises us, in His word, that He will never leave us or forsake us. He promises us that He has a plan for our future, a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, He says He is dancing over us with JOY! I will try to cling to those promises, knowing that things will be hard. But also knowing that He has told me, “LIVE, where you are”. I choose to try!
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